| Jul. 2nd, 2008 @ 09:25 am "cards on the table time" |
|---|
Something just happened that has been long in coming.
I just talked to my boss. She was telling me how Dr Okeke, the doctor I've been working with, will not have funding for me after she goes out on maternity leave, which will probably be mid-August be on 7/31.
From there this went into a conversation about my motivation, or lack thereof, for this job. I told her everything that was on my mind, and I wasn't even nervous or anxious. I'd been wanting to say these things for so long.
I told her that I was ashamed at how my performance had slipped, that I was beginning to dread going to work not because it's a hard job (it's not) but because I know I'm not putting my heart into it and I spend most of the day feeling guilty and ashamed of myself. This department deserves better than I'm giving it.
I wouldn't have been able to say everything I said if she hadn't been agreeing with me. What I was saying was coming as no surprise to her at all. I think she was trying to feel out whether I'd be able to get it together and make myself valuable once Okeke goes out on leave, but... I couldn't lie to her. I'm not happy here. I'm not happy in this institute or in the medical field in general.
It's amazing. I'm making more money than I ever have, I've got my own office (shared at the moment, but only temporarily), and I'm not monitored at *all* - I've got so much freedom it's overwhelming.
So now I can say definitively that if you're not doing what you like, all the *perks* are not worth it. If Deavon weren't in the picture, I would have quit this job, gotten a job as a receptionist at an animal hospital or something, and moved myself and my cats into another ghetto apartment and been fine with that. Since Deavon IS in the picture, it's more complicated. He makes way more than I do, and is entitled to live in a nicer place and have nicer things. So by my stepping back, he's forced to step up. That makes me feel bad, but I know I'm doing neither of us any favors by staying here and being miserable. Deavon can't rely on me at all these days - I'm holding myself together and not letting myself become isolated and useless like I used to, but I'm not there for him either.
Anyway. Back to my boss. She said that she's only able to do what she does because she's passionate about it. She never dreamed that this would be her life's work, but she never dreads going to work either. She says she can see how bored and unhappy I am and she wants something better for me. She reminded me that it's not all about money - told me a story about how her daughter is hell-bent on going into physical therapy even though she wants more than anything to be a school teacher, because all she can see is dollar signs. Etc.
She didn't tell me anything I didn't already know, but it made me realize just what a treasure it is to have a boss that sincerely wants the best for you. Whatever other little "quirks" she has (like oh, say, enough white guilt to power a steamboat and more to spread around), that is incredibly invaluable.
I'm going to talk to Deavon about this tonight. But right now I feel nothing but relief.
Okeke told me yesterday that she wants another 30 subjects in this study I'm working on - "normal" patients with no ocular diagnosis more severe than mild refractive error, to use as controls. I want to get them all and close recruitment before she goes out on medical leave.
So basically, it looks like it'll be about one more big push and then I'm done. And I think those last few weeks of working my ass off will go a long way toward making me feel better about the utter lack of motivation that's had me doing nothing but surfing the net for way too long here.
I'm just glad I don't feel ashamed of myself. I just wasn't meant for this line of work. |
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